and the shit gets even deeper

Yesterday, Chris called me to see how many people are living next door. There are three adults and two children right now. One of the adults was not on the original plans so Chris was seeing what's up.
I asked him if he is getting paid tomorrow(today) and he said "yes, why". I told him that I NEED some money, he has not paid me child support in 7 months and everything is going to be shut off. Ben's and my cell phone has already been shut off, we have NO groceries in the house, the boys have been living on Oodles of Noodles. And his response was " I NEED MONEY ALSO".
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!! He has no new bills since he left, there is only one of him and four of us, and he has not given me any money AT ALL!!!!! but then he said that he will see what he can do.
So today I asked him if he has any money for me and he said NO, I am broke, I don't have any money at all.. I said that you just got paid today and you don't have any money? he said that he just paid $1000 towards his truck.
I have never meet anyone so full of SHIT as he is. He told me in the beginning of this month that he took out some money from his life insurance to pay for his truck and now he is telling me he just paid $1000 today? What a LIAR!!!!!
I said that he already paid for his truck w/ the insurance money. and he said that he paid "OTHER BILLS" with that money..
Also, last Friday, he called me to watch the boys for him because he got called into work. and on top of his desk was a receipt for $250 and it said Bus Co DEPOSIT!!!!! I asked him what was that and he said that it was for his truck insurance, that he bounced a check for the insurance and that was for that..
OK, I am not stupid, maybe very dumb but not stupid.. I know the difference between DEPOSIT and TRUCK INSURANCE............
Once again, the shit gets even deeper and he leaves me with no chose but to file for child support through DOR. I WILL be going on the 28th to file, that way I know I have some money in the bank to file the papers and I also filled out the paper work and put the 20th on there, I can change the 0 for an 8.

can u believe this????

I can't believe that Chris had the balls to say that he needed some of the rent money to pay for his truck..... Are you kidding me!!!!
He has not paid me child support for 6 months now and he wants money from the rent... He does not care if his children go without food, and have a roof over their heads, but he wants money from me!!!
What did he do with the $500 that he won about a month ago from Keno at the Gray Barn.. Did he forget that I was sitting next to him when he won?
I cant figure him out at all... As long as everything is going the way he likes it, everything is fine....
What is he going to do when he HAS to pay me child support? The world will never know....besides that he will start treating me like crap again.....Threating me that he will sell the house( which I don't care anymore, we are already losting it because he stoped paying me childsupport), He will threaten me to take the kids away from me...(he doesn't bother with them now, what makes him think that he will take care of them), lets see,... what else does he threaten me about...I have to pay for HALF of everything..(fine, then he has to pay half of water, sewer, and trash disposal that I have been paying for all this time)
Well, thats all I can remember right now. We have an appointment with a mediator tomorrow at 4 so I hope it goes alright..

The final chapter

Wow, it has been a very long time since I wrote anything, proberly because I have been with Chris and was starting to be happy again. He was still going back and forth of what he wants until recently. He found another girlfriend and so he treats me like shit again. I still love him very much and always will, but I can't deal with him playing head games with me anymore. There is so much I want to say, but really don't want to write it right now. The only thing I want to mention is that he just met her supposing last week and already brought the boys over her house this weekend... He has major problems. He said that I am border line crazy because I sent her a friend request on fb, but I only did that to warn her of his lies. He is nothing but a big fat liar... But the more I thought about it, I decided not to do or say anything to her. He is definitely not worth any of this and I will leave him alone for now on.

Hello

hello there,
well it has been about a month since I wrote anything.. The same shit different day. Chris still does not know what he wants, he says he loves me but I keep finding out that he calls and txts Kelley back and forth. He still loves to go out and drink a lot and when he is drunk, that is when he contacts Kelley.
Some times I just want to cut the string between us because I still fell like I am on the back burner with him. He is very distant and I don't like that.
Today he says that he has a meeting w/ work in Rytham Chili's. Last night he said that he MIGHT not see me tonight? Why? Does he have a date? Who knows. I asked him today why he won't see me tonight When I asked him why he is not going to see me he got very defencive and asked why do I want to know. Well Hello!!!!! Why do you think I want to know what you are doing after work???// He will never get it.. I love him to death, but I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering if he really loves me or not. and if I am only here to say that he has someone... He still has a lot of feelings for Kelley even though she is a slut (yes she has asked Parker and Murph to have sex w/ her) and that bothers Chris. It should not but it does and he does not see my point of view.. Chris has said many times that it is none of my business what he does when he is not with me, but HELLO we are still married, husband and wife.. It is my business what he does when he is not w/ me..
He still has not given me any money after almost 3 months. We are almost 5 months behind on our mortgage. I am sure it won't be too much longer before it goes into foreclosure...
That is another reason that I feel like I should file for at least child support because he has not given me a dime for any bills or groceries... I have been using the money that the girls have been given me for rent, but that is supposed to be for the mortgage.

Well I think I let out some steam now.. Back to doing some chores..

well time to move on

Hello,
I do not go on the computer much anymore, so it is hard for me to remember everything that has happened, more so the dates that it happened than what have happened.
Well after I say Chris and Kelley at the barn, Chris said that he wanted to take a step back, he was not sure what he wanted to do, so I said do what you think you need to do. The next day he txted me about why we can't get a long. I said that we could but he chooses not to. So he txted back that he wanted to meet me, so of course I met him at the barn, had a drink and went back to his place and had sex. We had sex everyday for a week straight. It was awesome...
Now we are at another week. On Friday April 15th the boys got their report cards and Ben did TERRIBLE... he went from a 78 to a 51 in a subject ( don't remember which one) but he also dropped alt in all the classes.. so I took his phone away and said that he is grounded from the computer until the end of school yr. I want to see his grades go up. At first I did not want him to go to Aunt Bert's house, but then the more I thought about it, I need a break from him. He told my dad that the reason that he is doing bad in school is because I go out every night and don't come home...W H A T!!!!!!! you got to be kidding me..
That was the icing on the cake. I am no longer going to give him his phone back. I am going to cancel Internet so he can not go on face book anymore, and he is not going to like me much at all.....I am going to be the biggest BITCH to him and make sure he does his work, clean his room and everything else that needs to be done.
Well Chris got pissed off because I let Ben go to Aunt Bert's. He is looking at it as Ben got his own way, but that is not the case,...I NEED A BREAK!!!!! I love him dearly but enough is enough. So now Chris does not want to work at this marriage and he told me tonight that he has a date Friday night.. I told him that his problem is that he ONLY looks at the things that I have not done yet instead of all the things I HAVE done. He did agree with me on that one, but he said that he does not know what he wants and I asked him if he wanted me to date and he said YES... are you kidding me ,I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. I JUST WANT TO BE WITH MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If he can not see that by now, I guess it is time for me to move on. I have been spending the last month picking peddles off the flower, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. On top of that I have been praying that GOD guides him in the direction that he needs to be, and as of tonight, I guess it is not with me. I guess Chris' direction is to be with someone else... I am very depressed and I think I have to file for separation to stop this game that Chris is playing with me.. I love him with all my heart, but he needs to get his head out of his ass to be able to see that, and I don't think he wants to right now....

What the f**k did I do

Hello, Things have been very hectic. For a week now, Chris and I have been talking and he said that he wants to work at our marriage and get back together. I agreed and said that I know what I need to do to make this marriage work, but it is hard because I have no energy. Monday night April 5th, Chris called me to go over his house for a drink, he was on his front porch so after we ate I went over Chris' house and had a wine cooler with him. He said the the "cunt" (his exact words) keeps on txting him and calling him and if she continued that he would get a restraining order on her..(YA RIGHT). We drove to meet Leigh because she had some ham for him and when we got back to his house he had a sandwich and I left a little later on.
Thurs April 8th Chris called me to meet him at the barn for a drink. He said that he misses me and that we need to work things out, once again, I agreed. I love him very much and I hope this marriage works but I am not so sure anymore because the next night Fri. April 9th, Chris called me around 6:10 but did not leave a message, so I txted him saying that I am at work and prob be out around 8pm. He did not respond when I was done work, so I called him and his phone was off? Well that means that he is with someone.. So I decided to see if he was at the Barn and I would have a drink w/ him, but when I got there, his truck and Kelley's car was there. The funny thing is is that I was not shocked one bit and I was not pissed off until I walked into the barn. They were not at the bar, so I asked someone where they were and she pointed to the back, but the lights were off? So I walked back there and sure enough there they were and as I was walking towards them, Chris reached over and held her hand. Chris looked at me and said "What the fuck". She had a HUGE smile on her face and had the nerve to say hello. I asked what was going on and he did not say anything, I looked at her and she just smiled, and then I just snapped. I grabbed the glass of beer and threw the beer at her. She said "What was that for?" Well Hello, she is lucky I did not punch her in the face. (that is what I really wanted to do). So she ended up leaving and Chris took a fit at me and said that that's it we are getting a divorce. I said I think I deserve to know what is going on. I am still your wife, but he would not answer me all he kept on saying is that we are done. I told him that we should go outside and talk about what is going on and that I deserve to know what it going on. so we went outside and he did not say much, I said that I will follow him until he tells me what is going on. As I was following him, he slammed on his brakes and I almost hit him. That is when I snapped out of what ever it was that happened to me. I still can not describe why I did it or what happened, the only way I can describe it is the way Chris told me that one day he got into a fight with his father and when he had his father on the floor, he almost snapped his leg in half and then Chris snapped out of what ever it was he was in. I can't explain why I did it, I told four people about it before they found out and all four said it was a long time coming. She is lucky that I did not punch her in the face. and one of those people was Janet Mellor.
Chris told me that I am banned from the Barn, I called Johnny Friday night and left a message on his phone. So when I say Janet, I asked if he got the message and what happened. She told me that she did not hear anything and don't worry about anything. She told me that I AM NOT BANNED from the Barn. If Johnny did not say anything to me then do not worry, in fact that she is the boss and she told me that I am not banned.. She does not blame me for what I did.
I still fell like crap, because that is not me. I should of not done that and just walked away.
Chris came here Friday night to talk to me and ask me why I did that, he claims that he called Kelley there to say "GOOD BYE". Who does he think I am, Forrest Gump. I am not that stupid, he did not call her to say good bye. He wants his cake and eat it too. I can't understand why I still love him, he blames everything on me, but I don't think he realizes what the hell he has done to me in the pass 5 months. One day I will let him read all of this and I still think he will not get it.
Yes, it is taking me A VERY LONG time to get motivated and to clean this house, I am finally getting my b-12 shot and starting to feel a little better.
Another thing Chris can't understand is why I am soo tired all the time, I try to explain to him that my body does not absorb the vitamin and that I need the shot every three weeks other wise I am extremely tired. And he still does not care.
Well he came over Sat. around 6pm and of course he was drunk, he asked me again why I did that and I really can not explain it. He told me that he still loves me but does not want to be with me. Why does he do this to me.. There is nothing I want more than to be with him, hold him and love him everyday, but he does not want that..So as it is right now again, He does not want to have anything to do with me, he even did not go to Josh's practice yesterday or today. I texted him at 3pm after practice was done to let him know that Josh has a scrimmage wed night and he replied 2 1/2 hours later.. so that tells me that he was with her or someone else..
I NEED TO LEARN TO LET HIM GO!!!!! It is sooo hard because I love him soo much..

Why do I feel this way

I am very depressed today. Chris does not want to have anything to do with me because I told Kelley the truth about us. I told her about the pictures we shared w/ eachother and she went into Chirs' phone and the pictures. This was last week and he still does not want to talk to me as much as he did.
I told him that I miss him, but he said that he knows what he wants, He wants to be single. He still talks to Kelley and she is still demanding him not to talk or see me at all. I still think that they will get back together because he is not talking to me.
He told me that he txted her tonight and she did not respond so he said goodbye to her.. like I said, I know he will get back to her even though she went into his place and snooped around, she went into his phone and saw how much he and I txted eachother and what blows my mind is that she gave another guy a bj in the china's bathroom and he does not care... he said to me "this may sound crazy, but my GIRLFRIEND is mad at me for having sex with my WIFE"........I said to him,, did you just realize what you just said, and he said yes, my GIRLFRIEND> I can't believe he just said that...but he is not happy the fact that she is demanding him to do and not do some things and he is mad at me because I lied to him about meeting someone else and having sex w/ him. It is pretty sad that the only one I have been with is my HUSBAND and he is mad at me because I actually did not have sex with other people..
This does not make any since to me at all.. I just want to hold him and tell him how much I love him........... I should be the one who is mad at him for doing all this shit to me, but I am not. I STILL LOVE HIM. Why??????? Why do I feel this way. Why can't I forget him and let him go on with his life? There are soo many things I don't understand in my life. I hope I can understand one day.